Book Review

As a cancer survivor, I'm drawn to stories of others dealing with cancer. While this book is fiction, the struggles of the characters seemed very real.  The author worked with young adults facing cancer, so he has seen first-hand the reality of this disease.  Here is my review of The Fault in our Stars by John Green:

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book was wonderful, but very sad. Considering that the two main characters are teenagers dealing with cancer, sadness is to be expected, but I didn't think it would make me cry.  I was wrong.  If you read it, I  highly recommend having a box of tissues nearby, especially during the last half of the book. John Green's prose is beautiful and the voices of the characters were very real.  This book touched my heart and I wish it had been longer.  It took me less than two days to read it, and that was honestly only because I kept stopping to savor it.  I read it on a Nook, but I wish now I'd had a copy of the book because there were quotes I'd like to save.  I'll probably end up buying a copy of it in paperback so I can reread it someday.


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Connecting with Fellow Survivors

I've said this before, and I really believe it:  The Relay for Life saved my life.  Taking part in a Relay for Life event in 2006 motivated me to get a mammogram, and that was when I learned I had cancer.  I had no known risk factors.  I can't stress that enough.  There was nothing in my family history or my personal habits that could possibly have caused me to even think about cancer. My mom had died of a heart attack years ago, so I had always worried about my heart.  Cancer, though, was completely off my radar.  I felt badly for my friends who had family members with cancer.  They were the people I thought needed to worry, not me.  Thank goodness I learned from a Relay for Life video that everyone is at risk, even people who seem completely healthy.

It is a scary thought--everyone is at risk  When I was first diagnosed, I probably drove the people around me a little crazy. I felt so shocked that I had cancer, I felt like there must be something wrong in the universe.  I wanted to stop complete strangers and tell them to get their mammograms.  I felt like it must be an epidemic and every woman around me was at risk.  It may sound crazy, and maybe for awhile I was a little "crazy," for lack of a better word.  I had just had my world turned upside down, and it was hard to think rationally.  I read books and scoured the internet, seeking as much information as possible about cancer.  I went to the website for the American Cancer Society and Relay for Life websites, and I found information, and it was helpful.  Still, I searched, though.  I felt lost.   Fortunately, for me and for everyone around me, I found a website where breast cancer patients and survivors could connect with each other.  It was more than an informational site.  It had a forum page where I could go anytime, day or night, and post a question or a concern, and someone would respond, usually within minutes.  The website was the Susan G. Komen site, and I met women who had just been diagnosed, as well as long time survivors who had lived cancer free for over twenty years. Eventually, I even traveled to gatherings where survivors would meet in person.  So, while the Relay for Life gave me awareness, the Susan G. Komen Foundation gave me hope, and opened the door to friendships that I would never have had if I hadn't found that online forum.

Tonight, I am thinking about both organizations.  I just got home from the local Relay for Life event.  I go each year and walk in the "Survivor Lap."  I also look at the names on the luminarias that are lit in memory of the many lives lost to this horrible disease.  I proudly wore my "Survivor" shirt as I walked my lap with my son, but my thoughts traveled to what it means to be a "Survivor."  It means a lot.  It means I've overcome the most difficult obstacle life has yet thrown in my way.  It means I've been blessed with more time to spend with my son and an opportunity to continue making a difference in this world through my job as a teacher.  It also means I've been lucky.  Luckier than many women I met through the Susan G. Komen site.

 I truly love  these wonderful friends I've met who are also survivors, but through this close-knit group, I have opened my heart to being hurt time and time again, as my circle of friends experiences the loss of women whose cancer has come back.  During this past year, I've lost two very dear friends that I'd first met through the Susan G. Komen site.  One of the women I had met in person several times, and I'd even taken my son with me on vacation twice to visit her and her family.  Losing her was heart-wrenching.  She was truly my friend.  She wasn't just some anonymous internet surfer who'd crossed my path.  I'd had many long conversations with her.  Her phone number is engraved in my memory.  Yet, now she is gone, and I miss her every day.

My husband tells me it's a mistake to be so close to all of these other survivors.  He doesn't understand the bond that we all share.  Yes, it is devastating when one of the women I've met loses the fight, and yes, it does cause me to feel scared sometimes that my cancer might come back, but what I've gained from this connection is beyond explanation.  These women care about me, and I care about them.  I know they will be there for me anytime I need them, and any one of them would take the time to listen whenever I needed to vent or cry, or just talk, just as I will always be there for any of them.  Getting together with them at gatherings is amazing.  We hug, and we cry, but mostly we just enjoy the time together, laughing, telling stories, and  cherishing the time we have together.

Yet, tonight, I was among survivors at the Relay for Life, but I felt very separate from them.  When I checked in at the "Survivor Tent," the woman there was abrupt and businesslike.  No friendly greeting.  She even acted put-out when she didn't find my name on the list of those who were registered.  I had registered online, but somehow my name wasn't on her precious list.  So, she basically threw a form at me and said I'd have to fill it out.  She acted like I was trying to take advantage by asking for my "Survivor" shirt.  She gave me one, grudgingly, commenting that she only had one in my size because someone had not picked his or hers up--hmmmm, it was probably the one I ordered when I registered, but of course, I didn't say that to her.   I then went to the gathering where people were waiting to walk the "Survivor Lap."  No one was friendly toward me.  No one reached out and tried to make a connection with me.  At one point, while my son ran off to look at a display of candy, I stood alone in this crowd and felt really sad.  Why is it so difficult for people to show kindness to strangers?  What is it that makes an online forum a more comfortable place for connecting than a place where people can meet in person?  I realized tonight that every time I've gone to the Relay for Life, I've felt this sense of isolation.  People there tend to gather in groups, and no one seems to notice someone who is there without a supportive group.  My son and I left earlier than I'd originally planned to leave.  We were there for over an hour, yet during that time, no one (except the mean lady at the Survivor tent) spoke to me.  Not one person even said hello or smiled at me.  When I got home, the first thing I did was go online, and connect with some of my survivor friends.   I hope the Relay for Life is a success and raises a lot of money for research, but I am frustrated that the atmosphere lacks the warmth and kindness I've found in my breast cancer survivor groups.

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The Red Pen

A good friend, a very well-educated lady, recently commented that when she writes something to me she worries that I'll notice a grammatical or spelling error.  I've had others say this to me, too.  I know it is because I'm an English teacher, but I wish I could reassure everyone that I really don't judge anyone by their grammar or spelling.  I'm not at all perfect, and I know my writing sometimes has errors that I miss.  Writing online is much more informal than traditional writing as I have my students do in my English classes, and even then, I hate using my "red pen."  My pen, in fact, is never red.  I feel like red is an angry color and I don't want to slash a bunch of red ink all over someone's hard work.  I used to use turquoise, but now it is becoming harder and harder to find that shade of ink.  So, now, I generally use purple or bright blue, or any other color that will vary from the usual blue or black ink my students use.  I sometimes just use pencil so that they can erase my corrections, if that's what they want to do.  I focus much more on writing comments on their papers and exploring their thinking, rather than their way of expressing their thoughts.

My point here is that I don't look for errors in everyday writing.  I'm not anyone's teacher right now since it is summertime, so I'm officially off work.  However, even if you were one of my former students, the last thing I think about is looking for mistakes in your writing.  I just enjoy communicating online, and connecting through writing with others.  I went into teaching because I wanted to make a difference in the world.   I chose to teach English not because of a love of grammar.  Quite honestly, grammar bores me.  I chose English because of a love of literature and writing.  Nothing makes me  happier than teaching a classic novel, or a play by Shakespeare!  Analyzing a poem is fun to me, but figuring out its rhyme and meter, or trying to figure out why the poet broke the rules and wrote only in lower case letters isn't so exciting.

So, next time anyone wants to write something to me, whether through e-mail, or a comment on one of my posts, just write from the heart.  I won't be wielding a red pen, or a turquoise or purple pen, either.  Please just be yourself and know that connecting with you is all that matters to me.

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Bittersweet

Today, my son graduated from the 4th grade.  (In his district, middle school starts at the 5th grade.)  For me, it was a bittersweet experience.  I see things through a different lens, I suppose.  He was just three when I was diagnosed with cancer, and at that time, I didn't think I would live long enough to watch him grow up.  Now, here I am, six years later, done with my cancer treatment and hoping I'm cured.  Each milestone means a lot to me.  While I watched his ceremony, tears welled up in my eyes.  He and I have been through a lot, and it was wonderful to see him standing on stage with a smile from ear to ear.  I was so proud of him. He received a gold medal for reading; a medal for student council;  a certificate for leadership and another certificate for excellent attendance.

While I was happy to be there to see this ceremony, part of me was sad, too.  Sad for how quickly time seems to move.  I am enjoying being a mom, and I really try to cherish every minute.  There are so many things that steal our time away, though, that I feel like I've missed opportunities that will never come again.  I saw all the "classroom moms" there, and felt a twinge of guilt.  I teach full time, so I'm at work all day while he's in school, so I never volunteered in his classroom.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom and I remember how much I loved it when she came to my school and spent a day in my class.  She chaperoned field trips and brought gigantic chocolate chip cookies to school for me on my birthday.  I've never chaperoned a field trip for my son's class, but I've gone on many field trips with my students.  I spend more waking hours each day with them than I do with my son.  I have never baked anything for my son's class.  I send cupcakes from a bakery or a bag of chips for a class party.  On Tuesday, his class had a picnic, and I sent Doritos.  He was happy when he came home, telling me they were a hit and everyone ate them up, leaving nothing in the bag.  While I was glad his class enjoyed the chips, it wasn't really that big of an accomplishment to toss a bag of Doritos into my cart at the store.  It isn't like I mixed and stirred the ingredients and made them with love.  At night, I am often too tired to do much with him, and although I listen as he tells me about his day, I do sometimes feel overwhelmed and spend my time grading papers rather than just enjoying his company.  I know, though, that as he gets older, these days will be numbered.  How much longer will he want to hang out with his mom?  I want more time with him, but I feel the clock ticking and I know the teen years are on their way.

I'm really not wallowing in guilt, but I am feeling a sense of loss at the many years that have flown by, and how much I've been unable to do not only because I have to work, but also because of my long term side effects from cancer treatment.  I'm not the mom I envisioned myself to be.  I pictured myself running and playing with my son, but that isn't my reality now.  While I ran four miles a day in the years before he was born, now I'm limited to walking due to severe foot and leg pain and fibromyalgia caused by my chemo treatments. I can't stand up for long periods of time, and some days it is a struggle even to walk.  I see other parents who are actively playing with their kids while I am on the sidelines, sitting in a chair or on a bench, watching, cheering, and doing my best to be a supportive bystander in my child's life.  My son plays soccer and baseball, and he enjoys both sports. We go a lot of places together, and he loves to take trips with me--I call him my "travel buddy."   I know he is in no way being cheated out of opportunities, but there is a part of me that just wants to be able to physically do more with him.

A friend recently accused me of seeing the "glass as half empty. "  She's wrong.  I see the glass as overflowing with love, but somewhat damaged due to all that life has thrown my way.  I'm o.k. with that, though.  I know I am lucky to be here to raise my son and witness his moments of triumph in life.  I just wish, sometimes, that there was a way to slow down the good moments.  I truly love being a mom, and  as each stage has passed, I've wished it could have lasted a little longer, or that I could somehow return to it for a  while, just to savor it:  Holding him as a baby; cuddling him as a toddler;  watching him take off on his bike for the first time; watching him walk across the stage today......each and every milestone is heartwarming, yet  bittersweet, because they all mark time, and it is truly passing by too quickly.

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My Story

Have you ever been touched by cancer?  Do you think that you or anyone you love could be at risk of developing cancer?  In the spring of 2006, the high school where I teach hosted the Relay for Life, a twenty-four hour fundraiser for cancer.  I was given a videotape to show to my classes which was meant to inform the students about the importance of the Relay for Life, as well as to give them some basic understanding of the risks of cancer.  I introduced the video, and then watched it with my students.  As I watched it, I was saddened to think about the many lives that are lost each year to cancer.  I had lost a neighbor to cancer many years ago, but that had been my only experience with this horrible disease.  I had always felt sorry for people who had family members who were suffering with cancer, and I worried about my best friend because her mother had breast cancer.  I knew that this meant that my friend was at risk of developing breast cancer.  I thought I was safe, though, because I had no family history of any type of cancer.  So, as I watched that video with my students, I was shocked to learn that cancer can strike anyone, and that many people who learn that they have cancer have no family history of the disease.  I realized that I had been misinformed about the various risks of developing cancer.  I realized that I was at risk, as were all of my students, family members and friends.  Cancer could strike anyone at any time, and I had never even given it a second thought.  I realized that people need to be informed that everyone is potentially at risk for cancer.      

After watching the video, my students and I walked in the Relay for Life.  We also contributed money to the fundraiser, and participated in some fun activities.  I was proud of my students for being so supportive of this important cause, and when the Relay for Life events were over, I went on with my life, never thinking that quite soon I would learn more about cancer than any video could ever have taught me.  The school year ended, and I was excited to have a fun summer with my three year old son.      

However, due to my increased awareness of the risks of cancer, I decided that I would use some of my free time that summer to get some medical tests done.  I went to my doctor and scheduled a mammogram, which is an x-ray that all women age 40 and above are supposed to get every year.  I had just turned 41, and since I had previously thought I had no risk factors for cancer, I had never had the test done.  I had actually had an appointment to have it done, and I'd canceled the appointment, thinking it would be a waste of time--I will always wonder if it would have made a difference if I had been tested a year earlier.  Now, though, I had an increased sense of urgency, so I followed through with the appointment.  A week after the appointment, I received a call from a radiologist who had evaluated my x-rays, and who claimed that he suspected that I had cancer.  He insisted that I come to his office for additional testing.  I wasn't home to answer his call, though, because it was summer and I was off enjoying the warm weather.   He was very persistent, though, and actually called me several times, leaving messages on my answering machine .  I finally returned his calls the next day, and he seemed to be very sincere, so I set an appointment to get an MRI the following Monday, and went on with my day.  That weekend, I got a phone call from the place where the MRI was scheduled to be done.  The woman who called told me that my insurance company was refusing to pay for the MRI, and she said she needed me to confirm that I would pay for it if they could not get reimbursed from the insurance company.  I told her I couldn't pay for it and to just cancel the appointment.  Early that Monday morning, my family doctor called me.  She insisted that I go through with the MRI, and she promised that if my insurance company refused to pay, she would make sure it was covered, or it would be free.  She assured me that I would not have to pay for it.  Trusting that she would take care of this issue, I went ahead and had the MRI, and within another week, I got another early morning phone call from my doctor, this time confirming that I had cancer, and more ominously, telling me that I had multiple areas of cancer and I would need surgery right away.      

Wow!  I hung up the phone and I was shaking.  I had been getting ready to take my son to daycare, so he was standing in my kitchen with me, and I knew I had to avoid scaring him, so I just calmly told my husband what the doctor had said, and then I went off into another room, far from the innocent eyes of my little boy,  to have a nervous breakdown.  The next several weeks were a whirlwind of testing, and biopsies, and lots of hours spent in waiting rooms.  By fall, I was back to school, but I still faced surgery and chemotherapy.  I had surgery in September, and I started chemotherapy in November, but I managed to continue to work, even as I became weaker and weaker, and all of my hair fell out.  Somehow, though, I got through the grueling treatment, and my doctors all told me that I did well, and that there was no longer any sign of cancer.  None of them would tell me I was cured, but it has now been six years, and so far, there is still not any sign of cancer.      

My experience with cancer is not unique.  I was just lucky to have caught it in time to survive.  The type of cancer I had was very aggressive.  It was what is considered a Grade III cancer, which is the most aggressive type.  It was also an invasive cancer, which meant it was growing and spreading, and if the doctors had not found it when they did, it could have killed me.  What is especially haunting to me, though, is the fact that I was walking around with that cancer in me, and I had no idea it was there.  I had no symptoms, no pain, and I had not felt ill or weak.  I wonder how many people are walking around right now, just as clueless as I was, with the time bomb of cancer ticking away in their bodies.      

Now, I am a cancer survivor and I think it is important that I help educate others about cancer. It has become an epidemic in our society, due to many factors that people may not realize put them at risk.  I think the media needs to do a better job of printing articles about cancer, and I think there should be more public service announcements on television to help increase awareness of cancer deaths.  I was misinformed and if I hadn't seen that Relay-for-Life video, I would probably not be here today.  I thought I was too young to worry about breast cancer.  I thought it was a disease that only older women had to face.  I thought cancer was only a disease that was hereditary, and since no one in my family had ever had cancer, I thought I was safe.  All of my misconceptions come back to haunt me.  If only I had known more about cancer, would my life have been different? 

Some people may think that this is an issue that does not effect them.  Perhaps they are misinformed, and think that cancer is a disease that only effects people who have certain risk factors.  Regardless of what people have been told in the past, times have changed.  The chemicals we are exposed to, the pollution in our air, the additives in our foods, and the toxins in our water....it is impossible to say exactly what makes one person develop cancer while others who lived in the same area and ate the same foods do not develop cancer.  No one seems to be able to explain what caused my cancer.  I have done a lot of reading, though, and I know that I need to avoid alcohol and sugar.  I also know I should eat lots of vegetables, stay out of the sun, and get daily exercise.  Due to what I have learned, I think I will live a healthier life, and hopefully avoid facing cancer ever again.  I hope that by helping to inform others, I can prevent them from losing their lives to cancer by getting an early diagnosis at the first sign of anything different about their bodies or about how they feel.  Many people wait to get something odd checked out, often because they are afraid to face the possibility of cancer.  But, it is so much better to go get checked out right away, even if it is scary, because it gives a person a better chance to fight this horrible disease.  Those who are diagnosed at an early stage, a stage where it has not yet spread, may be lucky enough to not even have to do chemo or radiation.      

So, as you can see, the issue of cancer awareness is important to me, and I hope that after hearing my story, it will be important to you, too.  It is vital that you pass this message along to those that you love.  Tell any woman you care about who is age 40 or older that she needs to get a mammogram.  Tell your family members, friends, and anyone else you care about that cancer can strike anyone at any time.  Take part in fundraisers at school and in the community to help raise money for cancer research.  Lives are lost to cancer every hour of every day, and until a cure is found, we need to do everything we can to fight this disease, both with information and with science.  We need to increase cancer awareness so that more people will be screened for cancer, and more lives will be saved.

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