Connecting with Fellow Survivors

I've said this before, and I really believe it:  The Relay for Life saved my life.  Taking part in a Relay for Life event in 2006 motivated me to get a mammogram, and that was when I learned I had cancer.  I had no known risk factors.  I can't stress that enough.  There was nothing in my family history or my personal habits that could possibly have caused me to even think about cancer. My mom had died of a heart attack years ago, so I had always worried about my heart.  Cancer, though, was completely off my radar.  I felt badly for my friends who had family members with cancer.  They were the people I thought needed to worry, not me.  Thank goodness I learned from a Relay for Life video that everyone is at risk, even people who seem completely healthy.

It is a scary thought--everyone is at risk  When I was first diagnosed, I probably drove the people around me a little crazy. I felt so shocked that I had cancer, I felt like there must be something wrong in the universe.  I wanted to stop complete strangers and tell them to get their mammograms.  I felt like it must be an epidemic and every woman around me was at risk.  It may sound crazy, and maybe for awhile I was a little "crazy," for lack of a better word.  I had just had my world turned upside down, and it was hard to think rationally.  I read books and scoured the internet, seeking as much information as possible about cancer.  I went to the website for the American Cancer Society and Relay for Life websites, and I found information, and it was helpful.  Still, I searched, though.  I felt lost.   Fortunately, for me and for everyone around me, I found a website where breast cancer patients and survivors could connect with each other.  It was more than an informational site.  It had a forum page where I could go anytime, day or night, and post a question or a concern, and someone would respond, usually within minutes.  The website was the Susan G. Komen site, and I met women who had just been diagnosed, as well as long time survivors who had lived cancer free for over twenty years. Eventually, I even traveled to gatherings where survivors would meet in person.  So, while the Relay for Life gave me awareness, the Susan G. Komen Foundation gave me hope, and opened the door to friendships that I would never have had if I hadn't found that online forum.

Tonight, I am thinking about both organizations.  I just got home from the local Relay for Life event.  I go each year and walk in the "Survivor Lap."  I also look at the names on the luminarias that are lit in memory of the many lives lost to this horrible disease.  I proudly wore my "Survivor" shirt as I walked my lap with my son, but my thoughts traveled to what it means to be a "Survivor."  It means a lot.  It means I've overcome the most difficult obstacle life has yet thrown in my way.  It means I've been blessed with more time to spend with my son and an opportunity to continue making a difference in this world through my job as a teacher.  It also means I've been lucky.  Luckier than many women I met through the Susan G. Komen site.

 I truly love  these wonderful friends I've met who are also survivors, but through this close-knit group, I have opened my heart to being hurt time and time again, as my circle of friends experiences the loss of women whose cancer has come back.  During this past year, I've lost two very dear friends that I'd first met through the Susan G. Komen site.  One of the women I had met in person several times, and I'd even taken my son with me on vacation twice to visit her and her family.  Losing her was heart-wrenching.  She was truly my friend.  She wasn't just some anonymous internet surfer who'd crossed my path.  I'd had many long conversations with her.  Her phone number is engraved in my memory.  Yet, now she is gone, and I miss her every day.

My husband tells me it's a mistake to be so close to all of these other survivors.  He doesn't understand the bond that we all share.  Yes, it is devastating when one of the women I've met loses the fight, and yes, it does cause me to feel scared sometimes that my cancer might come back, but what I've gained from this connection is beyond explanation.  These women care about me, and I care about them.  I know they will be there for me anytime I need them, and any one of them would take the time to listen whenever I needed to vent or cry, or just talk, just as I will always be there for any of them.  Getting together with them at gatherings is amazing.  We hug, and we cry, but mostly we just enjoy the time together, laughing, telling stories, and  cherishing the time we have together.

Yet, tonight, I was among survivors at the Relay for Life, but I felt very separate from them.  When I checked in at the "Survivor Tent," the woman there was abrupt and businesslike.  No friendly greeting.  She even acted put-out when she didn't find my name on the list of those who were registered.  I had registered online, but somehow my name wasn't on her precious list.  So, she basically threw a form at me and said I'd have to fill it out.  She acted like I was trying to take advantage by asking for my "Survivor" shirt.  She gave me one, grudgingly, commenting that she only had one in my size because someone had not picked his or hers up--hmmmm, it was probably the one I ordered when I registered, but of course, I didn't say that to her.   I then went to the gathering where people were waiting to walk the "Survivor Lap."  No one was friendly toward me.  No one reached out and tried to make a connection with me.  At one point, while my son ran off to look at a display of candy, I stood alone in this crowd and felt really sad.  Why is it so difficult for people to show kindness to strangers?  What is it that makes an online forum a more comfortable place for connecting than a place where people can meet in person?  I realized tonight that every time I've gone to the Relay for Life, I've felt this sense of isolation.  People there tend to gather in groups, and no one seems to notice someone who is there without a supportive group.  My son and I left earlier than I'd originally planned to leave.  We were there for over an hour, yet during that time, no one (except the mean lady at the Survivor tent) spoke to me.  Not one person even said hello or smiled at me.  When I got home, the first thing I did was go online, and connect with some of my survivor friends.   I hope the Relay for Life is a success and raises a lot of money for research, but I am frustrated that the atmosphere lacks the warmth and kindness I've found in my breast cancer survivor groups.

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